Preferences are taking a complete transition it seems. And these days all my deeds have a serious air. It is as if I should no longer be a follower of my own crazy deeds or may be I am no longer permitted to be that crazy serene girl again.
This transition is inevitable I guess, a reaction that followed the serial cause of events that has to take place in a row as time machine moves. Sometimes I have preferred saying, "In the long run, I will invent myself". And these days I am stunned sometimes to realize that I might be all set for the process of inventing me.....
In many ways, I was confused with the underlying thought process which might or might not lead to a conclusion. When I say confused, it means that it occurred as I would be unable to foresee the impact of my transitions and decisions on my future. Regardless of the fact that I am evidently worried about my future, I always preferred to say that I live in the present and I am least concerned about my future. May be this is how every obstinate human reacts or am I the only one? Not yet sure and still haven't found the answer to that question.
The most interesting and screwed up part of this transition is that you will never know when would the secure and safety feeling would end up into a nightmare and can eat your brain out. I have read somewhere that the emerging sun and the thunderous destructive storms originate from the same direction. As light and darkness does, the secure and insecure feelings originate from the same source. Not to make it more complicated, we might say that it occurs from brain, heart or mind whatever naming convention one follows. But isn’t brain supposed to coordinate activities in the human body? And heart to pump in and out blood? And mind being just a crazy coincidence of brain and heart which deals with the so called tenderness, does it have something to do with it? Still why this interruption and interference? One of the greatest pitfall of mankind would be the inability to sense their thought and the direction it takes. And when all these thoughts start striking me is when I conclude that as every other adult I am also getting exposed to vulnerabilities. ;)
Unlike many people who adored their matured mind and decorated it with their serious outlook, I was almost dragged into it I guess. This is the reason why keeping numb helped me most of the times as I was unaware of what is going on and how to welcome this unwelcomed guests, maturity and seriousness.
Living in a big metropolitan city of my own was a crazy dream somewhere in one of those adventurous plights of my mind long back. Truly saying, it was something which I never wanted to turn into a real life adventure. More conveniently I wanted it to be something which fuelled my virtual adventures. Ironically, what I never wanted to be a reality happened to me and I could not even revise it. Well, as someone once said, the power is not vested in one’s own hands. The surprising fact is that though I was kind of unknowingly dragged into this situation, I never hesitated because somewhere inside my mind I knew that as long as I am not reluctant to get amused of what life has in store for me, I would never get bored of anything that would ever happen to me.
If I should say what exactly I am having fun with, the blind fold and frank answer would be "I don't know". Is it the responsibility, or the self cooking just to keep in terms with my tummy, or the "I am confident" gesture, or the "I am okay" expressions which I wear, or the no one to credit recipes which I create out of nowhere, or the thought that I have forgot to bolt the front door which wakes me up at midnight or keeping my Bhagavat Gita near my bed to make me feel that no black forces could ever touch me? Seriously, I don't know exactly what amuses me in this play called transition. Yet, I do all these and a lot more crazy and weird acts like these but never feel monotonous. May be because this list of deeds are so long that nothing would repeat to appear monotonous in the near future.
Every morning I wake up early and know what to do. The state of knowing what to do rather than staying confused is called stability. So would I be counted as stable if I still have the anxiety and fear of not knowing how my day would turn out like, hectic or light, or would I have to face torture, abuse on my way, what if I added more salt than required and corrupted my appetite. Yes, I know I am not stable, but just anxious. But somewhere my mind wraps that anxiousness in a self attained strength that whatever happens and no matter how hard it is, I would face it.
Well, handling transition and going through the thought that something is changing in your life forever is not easy. It is filled with a mixture of emotions, fear of taking the next step, fear of not knowing what would be the outcome, confusion of not knowing is this the right path, sadness from the thought that what all you have reluctantly left behind and kept aside would be lost forever, happiness and satisfaction that you are doing everything of your own. Don't know how to conclude, but I guess this is just a small part of that crazy little adventure which I am always fond of playing, my life.. and may be I am acquiring the arena or may be the spot light is on me, the whole of it like never before... :)