Legality of Love

 Around last October end while my sister was hospitalized for delivery and mom stayed at the hospital as her bystander, me and my father used to commute to hospital everyday to visit them. On one day while returning back Pappa casually started a conversation. One thing about him is that driving is an activity he consider as meditation of some sort, yeah his relationship with the steering wheel started when he was 13 years old and since then there might be hardly any kind of automobile which he didn't touch at all. Yeah given the fact that he has driven only on road and off road :D. And sometimes I even have felt that he has taken us to trips just to make sure he gets to drive for hours, yeah for all those times when we had to return back without sightseeing around as we 'reached the place and saw the place', I am sure I have guessed it right. As usual, without taking his eyes off the road and hands away from the steering wheel, he started talking about so many things. And me as usual, was listening to his convo with a passive ear while gazing everything else around. Somewhere in the midst of that convo, he casually asked me, 

" When it comes to a man's intelligence it can be defined by way too many things, but do you know what defines intelligence of a woman ? " 

With the same passive ear, I dismissed the query and without waiting for my answer he continued, " An intelligent woman is not in topping every class or scoring centum in every maths paper you take rather it is in how you treat a man". 

At that point, I realized he was taking it somewhere so I returned to him with an active ear. 

He followed up without waiting for my response..

"Intelligent woman treats her husband like a king and lives like a queen, but stupid woman treats her husband like a normal person and lives like a laborer forever. " 

And he directed that conversation to me at that point and continued , "You are not just my daughter but also your mother's daughter, so don't tell me you  haven't figured out this already".

I might have dismissed off that conversation with a joke saying can't settle down for just a king. Yeah one another thing about him is that he loves punchlines, so when he gives you a punchline, give something back to him and he will be lost in admiring the beauty of the new punchline, just kidding. 

Well, he is not just a friend, but also a father, a father of a 31 year old divorced daughter who is also a single mom and the occasion was like returning from hospital and visiting my sister and her baby after baby's birth so I can understand where is it all coming from and I respect that too. 

I did prolong this article for obvious reasons but it is time that I write this down. I once have generalized this approach which happens in every conservative society in one way or the other by saying there is a way in which woman should learn some skills. 

Now, when it comes to those skills my mom is a role model. People who know her in person knows what I am talking about and trust me she is not just intelligent as per Pappa's observation at that point of time, but also in real. Holds three degrees, out of which one is a 3 year hindi college degree which made her qualified to be a high school teacher straight out of graduation, but after testing that profession for a short span, she switched to an entirely different learning path in agriculture related course to later switch into beauty and cosmetics industry where she built a career on her own and still continues to do so along with which she raised three children, two with professional degree graduation and one who has represented meg group in national level while serving the country. And trust me, my father is a true Arian so he is not that much of a cake walk either. Everything about her makes me consider her an epitome of everything I admire about womanhood. 

 In fact, our society is a woman centered society in many ways but deeply patriarchal in every root of its construct and approach.  Have you ever wondered why woman are harshly criticized and misjudged even for the slightest of their shortcomings whilst men can get away easily for the same range or even higher level shortcomings ? I consider it is because in many ways woman are the centerpiece of that design, so high standards and high expectations are placed only on them. Who places it on her ? well the designers of the societal constructs, our very own Adams. "No matter what I be, you should be perfect". Every boy idolizes his mom, every teenager picks the perfect girlfriend, every brother grows up with the perfect sister, every man picks a flawless wife and every father raises the perfect daughter. Ahh, such a beautiful concept, a family. "Mine and what I own", fortunately or unfortunately, that is a wonderful vision and perfection. And it is all build up on one beautiful concept, a concrete and strong structure, MARRIAGE, THE LEGALITY OF love.

Well, there is a popular misconception that love is the foundation of marriage but honestly from my experience love can be the foundation of relationship but never that of marriage. Family is the foundation of marriage. And when it comes to a marriage it can happen for all sort of reasons which is inclusive or exclusive of love. Let's face the reality someday, shan't we? Now that I clearly know what is the kind of assumptions around me, I understand this is a dangerous topic when I point questions so let me put in only my insights.

So unfortunately or fortunately, I have seen a marriage out of love working successfully and I grew up seeing that all along. I mean it would have never been easy for them, because mom belonging to a high caste in fact the ruling class a few decades ago and pappa from another caste. The truth is every place which has a distinction based on caste system takes these kinds of stuffs seriously and the people who want to live in peace and harmony has to pay the price. I don't know what worked out for them, was it my mom's determination or pop's courage. Whatever it was, when I look back they made it work out for them, in fact have been making it work for them since last 35 years and an added 3 years which makes it 38 years. I am not gonna say marriage is a happily ever after scene because it is not and especially if you don't have it all worked out individually, to be specific if you are not individually happy , it would take more work to work it out. I have seen them fighting hard but the way they sort it out speaks for how they haven't given up on what they felt for each other in the first place. 

For someone who have seen something like this while growing up, it creates a kind of idealization on what should be love and how should be a marriage. And that is one of the scary pitfalls if you are coming from a place where you have seen it all worked out properly. 

And in a conservative society, one thing which is of concern to the society is when a girl reaches 25 years old and if she is the eldest kid, all brows will be furrowed. In my opinion, it is way too early for any gender person to think about marriage because that is when you should be building up a career for yourself. Think about it, almost 4 years of work experience is nothing if you are a dreamy person. It is just not enough. Nope this is not my autobiography, this is definitely not that. I am talking about women and my identification of what actually is a marriage and how is it different from the concept of love.

If you have a relationship in hand, then yes please go for it because you live in a society which  demands that and there is a way in which that is going to make your parents feel secure and calm, trust me on that. But unfortunately, I didn't had anything like that in my hand and I was fully focused on what I was doing at that time. And one scariest part of it all is if you have a sister who is just 1 and half years younger than you. Do  you know what is the  next solution ?  Arranged marriages. It have been working out in our society for ages and yes tested and proven by a majority of people.

Today when I look back, I understand that the determined me wasn't so determined enough about my opposition, well that might not be the right word even because I am not against arranged marriages. So yeah, I failed in understanding love wasn't the basis of a marriage or maybe I did even but let me tell you something different priorities of different people in life is a real thing. And sometimes it depends on how you are raised up, when it comes to that it is not just priorities but also your views. 

Well, all I can say is that I married a king, yes a true king, held a high position in BJPs student wing party, well known in Kerala during his college time and then turned into a self built businessman, besides belongs to the same caste as that of my mom. What else to say about him is that when things don't work out you just know it wouldn't work out. So yes, I had to take a decision and I took it but trust me I didn't bug him on anything materialistic about the process or even afterwards. And he is married now so I know he got what he wanted and that's a good thing when it happens.

Now, when I say king most might associate it with wealth but I am not saying he is poor all I am saying is being a king, laborer, all of these are more of a quality. Even when Pappa mentioned that could have been what he meant because he is a well read man and he was talking that to his daughter. So yes, according to me a king is someone who needs to hold on to his crown to feel safe and would need everyone to recognize the same. That crown is also not a material, it is ego. 

May be I lacked the skills necessary to work that out at that time or may be I didn't knew the exact concept of a marriage at that time, but one thing I knew was I was taking the right decision and nothing has changed about that yet. There was something I wrote here down titled Familiarity long back with the same thing. 

But when I was taking that decision my father and my maternal grandfather were the final voices and in many ways my support system especially my grand father. My grand mom was also progressive than most of the ladies of her age, class and stature. But my mom was trying to patch up things and she was repeatedly trying to tell me how I should learn to compromise and how ladies should compromise. But once when I asked back whether any of the compromises she made in her marriage was entirely based on this concept of how ladies should make the compromise, she hesitantly and thoughtfully remarked 'no' and she added a few more points to her statement of what was her real reason. I knew it already and since then she stopped trying to convince me any further. Now, it is easy for me to play the victim here to convince that I was assaulted or manipulated or abused but to how it happened lets just say it was a smooth divorce, decided by me but filed on mutual consent after my advocate forcefully convinced him to file it and it took only 6 to 8 months for processing and jurisdiction. The cost of the entire process was also less than 15 k.

Do you know which is the best time to get divorced ?  It is before marriage but do you know how many ladies get the fair chance to do that especially in conservative society and families. Well, luckily for me I had people who atleast let me do it on time. And trust me when it comes to these elders, no matter how progressive they are, just because you think something is right for you they wouldn't let you do that up until they are also convinced it is the right decision.

Now, my father still teases me on how I went to court on the final day , I mean I was dressed casually and normal but there was something about my spirit and enthusiasm which he would never forget. 

Well, I can say that divorced and broken (emotionally and mentally) is something we as a society imply on our dearest girls. All I am trying to convey is, I wasn't broken and I didn't wanted to be broken in the long run. I don't find anything wrong about it. My remaining life was my second chance to do me right and build myself up, again remarked somewhere in Narcissist in Me. 

Lets leave society's views on all these for a later para but let me ask you something ?  As an adult, who am I answerable to in making my life decisions? The people I care about and the people who cares about me, isn't it ?  And in my case, to my only son. Well, no one will ever hear me say that I am a proud single mom, but I am just a divorcee who is working hard and learning every day to become a proud mom and I would never give up on that. Because, as someone who has gone through it all, there was only one injustice happened with my decision and that was to him which I take full responsibility of. But society might not have to be concerned of how emotions work but don't we as individuals shouldn't be ?  If at age 27 if I had decided to get separated with a 2 month old son which part of my emotion was not in place ? And if that compromise would have made things right, would it be like me cutting down those emotions and throwing away in a locked up container ? I don't think that's how any of it works.

What happens to a girl after a divorce ? This is the important part and this is why I could be writing down all of this. So yeah, what would happen if the value of a stock goes down from 10000 to 0 overnight  ? I mean, this is not my mental picture I am talking about because I know what I did and I knew the consequences of what I did and the only thing which  I had to deal with was to cope up with my eternal urge to win in everything. I just had to accept my failure and why I willfully failed but it was way too easy to do that. Am I forgetting society in all of this ? I might be, so yes the best part is that you are expected to be broken because turns out divorce is a tragedy in most of the communities. Well, if you are not broken, you should be numb and if you are not even numb then there is definitely something wrong with you. You see I wasn't broken nor numb nor was there anything wrong with me.

 I mean there will be categories of people around you, the sympathy group, critics group, supporters group, inquiry group, and a most disgusting and dreadful group, the opportunists group. Well kiddo, today I can say that, a woman hits puberty around 13 years and until marriage you are considered a kid but once that hurdle is crossed you are a woman, now imagine what would be you if you got divorced. Either broken and ready to be used, or guilt tripping or in desperate need of love support attention and care. Unfortunately, I wasn't any of those either. Well, then why are you not any of those either ? aren't you that exposed to realities of life that you are so self sufficient ?  Yeah the curious group. 

All I can say to any of these is I am the same person I have been since I hit my puberty, a marriage didn't change anything nor did a divorce. And why would all of these have to change anything about you if you are in charge of your life. 

So, I recently read someone say about their daughter in law, she is positive and pure, the world has not corrupted her and trust me that is not being remarked about a 19 year old innocent girl. So all I am saying is that for every woman it is also a possibility to not get corrupted if she is completely in charge of her life. 

And the real question is, are we giving her the rightful space and security to be in charge of her life or being herself ? I would want to reassemble a lot of this and better articulate this article which I would  do later. But I guess all  I am trying to say to my girls out there is that be ambitious as hell and if you have the will and courage to face this world it is not enough to corrupt you at all. 

Happy and soulful living.. 😊✌

Well, what is cant settle down for just a king ?, a damage has been made which opened my eyes to some realities, partly healing and also partly processing so had to escape from my father and the way it happened I would need all of the time it takes to get back to being myself completely. Well, your life is the most valuable thing you hold so whatever it takes to be you again.